Distance Hurts

Last month, I had the joy of working with a mother with an adult son. The two of them hadn’t had a real, connecting conversation in more than a year. Every interaction they had became a quiet battle - she was hurt by his distance. He was overwhelmed by her unspoken expectations of him. Both of them were filled with guilt, shame, and anger, and neither of them felt they could find a way out of this self-fulfilling loop. 

When we started family coaching together, we started small. In our first session, I asked each of them to write one thing that they wished the other person knew. I emphasized the importance of nondefensiveness and openness to understanding. The result was an interaction that was raw and honest, but also full of hope.

The mother had written that she missed her son, and she didn’t know how to tell him without making him feel guilty. He’s a grown man now. He has a full-time job, friends, and a spouse who make demands of his time. She didn’t want to add to that pressure. But she missed her son and the relationship they used to have. 

He wrote that he wanted to be enough for her, but he never felt like he was. Even when he tried to call as often as he could, text her updates and pictures when he had a quick moment, or include her in parts of his life when he could, he never felt like she was happy. No matter how hard he tried, he always felt like those efforts weren’t recognized and weren’t appreciated. 

This exercise was their turning point. We began working on communication that came from honesty and love, rather than fear and defensiveness. Creating boundaries that protect their connection, rather than exacerbating the distance. And slowly, their guilt began to soften, and it was replaced by understanding and open communication. 

This is the power of coaching. It isn’t about fixing people or telling them how to behave - it’s about helping families pause, reflect, and evaluate, and then choose a new way forward. Together. 

If you see yourself in this story, send me a message with the word “GRACE.” You don’t have to do it alone. 

Much Love, 

Unnatti Jain