Take control… but not like that!

I spoke about the amount of relational work I do in a newsletter not too long ago - and it’s true, I do quite a lot!

Between coaching (1-2-1, family, teen, parent), speaking events, and as an employer, relational expertise is something I NEED to be successful.

I’ve been thinking lately about control. Perhaps it’s something I’ve noticed recently, or it’s just one of those earworms I can’t shake. But I feel compelled to speak on it.

In almost every relationship you have, professional, platonic, or romantic, there is an element of control. It’s natural when you have two people coming together! When you meet up with a friend, you have “control” over their schedule for that period of time. When you and your partner coexist, you have “control” over your schedules and shared spaces. Whether you’re an employee or an employer, there’s an element of control present in that relationship. And all of those things in and of themselves are fine. It’s natural. It’s how relationships go sometimes.

It’s when control begins to spiral that things become an issue.

If someone is micromanaging your schedule, to the point you can’t do things unrelated to the relationship without oversight or questioning, things have gone too far. Or if you’re made to feel guilty for doing those things. If your boundaries are being ignored, no matter how big or little, red flags should be raised as well. And if you find yourself apologizing for everything, or always being the one in the wrong, well… it’s time for a conversation.

Having these issues pop up in a relationship doesn’t mean its immediate demise - but it does mean it’s time for an open and honest conversation about what’s going on and how things are feeling. Sometimes, the fix for too much control in a relationship is simple, and it’s just a conversation or two and some changed behavior. Other times it may be more complicated, and require an outside party to step in.

I’ve stepped into many of these situations as a coach - and seen some beautiful growth and resolution. But I’ve also had to help people navigate their way out of situations that were just too toxic to fix. Either way, the fact that they sought help was a crucial part step to resolving the situation and navigating the excess amount of control that was present.

If you know anyone who may be struggling with control - too much too little, professional or personal, offer them a conversation with me. I am dedicated to supporting people’s lives one conversation at a time - and you never know what a 20-minute investment into your well-being could yield long term.

Much love,

Dr. Unnatti Jain