Toxicity and Trauma Bonds…

Last week I wrote about romantic love - a topic that I was hesitant to broach, given that I don’t speak on it much, and I keep my coaching work (Adult, teen, parent, family) about it VERY confidential.

But the response to that newsletter was overwhelming, and it inspired me to write on another topic related to romantic relationships, and that’s trauma bonds.

Trauma bonds are bonds that form between someone who is a victim of an abuser, and their abuser. They are often characterized by the victim defending the abuser's actions, hoping that the abuser will change, feeling the need to walk on eggshells, and feeling as though the relationship is structured around guilt and shame. The abuser may isolate the victim from friends and family, and go through cycles of intense affection and love for the victim, followed by quickly devaluing them and being the sole target of their attacks.

These bonds are intense - and often why victims may go back to their abuser, or have a hard time leaving in the first place. These bonds can be like an emotional high - when the abuser gives their victim intense love and affection, it becomes a high amid the typical destruction, leaving the victim craving more, and believing that the abuser can change or be “saved” from their behavior.

It takes an average of 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship before people leave for good - and trauma bonds are one of the many many reasons why. I also want to clarify that abuse isn’t just physical - it can be physical, emotional, financial, and more. It’s not a one-dimensional experience.

I wanted to write about this today because there is too much shame and stigma present about these kinds of relational issues - and it’s shame and stigma that prevents people from reaching out for support or help when they’re in the middle of a challenging situation like this.

If you’re stuck in a trauma bond or know someone who is, please understand that this is not your fault. You are a good person regardless of the circumstances you find yourself in.

I’d love to have a conversation with you about what’s going on in your life - and be a resource you can lean on if needed. Feel free to schedule a conversation with me if you like.

And if you need more help than I can provide, I’ll be linking resources to domestic violence hotlines, and other resources local to the Fairfax area. We all deserve to feel safe and loved by those around us.

Much Love,

Dr. Jain