What Changed?

The other evening, my client Sarah shared a story that felt too familiar.

She told me in our session, "I don't know what happened. My daughter used to be my shadow. Now, she's 15 and everything I do annoys her. We can’t agree on anything, and I feel like she’s shutting me out. I don’t know what to do anymore."

The mother-daughter dynamic in the teenage years can be extremely challenging, but why?

During puberty, our teens' brains are rapidly changing. Their prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for decision making and impulse control, begins to grow. Their amygdala, which controls emotions, becomes hyperactive. It’s pretty hard to feel stable when your decision-making center is changing and your emotional center is hyperactive!

It can also be hard for Moms emotionally - many Moms report feeling disrespected or rejected when their teenage daughter is asserting or seeking independence. One study even found that as teenagers begin to assert their autonomy, their parents perceive higher levels of conflict, even when the teenager reports things feeling stable (Keijsers & Poulin, 2013). 

Many mother-daughter conflicts stem from power struggles over control and autonomy. So what can a mother do to manage this conflict? 

Shift from control to connection

Focus on emotional safety. Research has shown that reducing judgment creates an environment that allows teens to open up.

Pick your battles

Let your teen figure some things out on their own - sometimes they need to try and fail!

Model emotional regulation

Show your teen how you cope with overwhelming emotions and upsetting situations - modeling is more powerful than you think. 

Conflict during adolescence is normal, but it doesn't have to define your relationship. 

If you're navigating this season and want personalized support, reach out. Coaching can provide tools and perspective to help you and your daughter thrive.

Much Love, 

Unnatti Jain

References:

• Giedd, J. N. (2008). The teen brain: Insights from neuroimaging. Journal of Adolescent Health.

• Keijsers, L., & Poulin, F. (2013). Developmental changes in parent-child conflict. Journal of Family Psychology.

• Soenens, B., & Vansteenkiste, M. (2010). Parenting and autonomy. Developmental Psychology.

• Brown, B. (2015). Rising Strong.