When my son shut down, here’s what I did differently

Many years ago, I found myself in a painful loop with my son, and I have discussed this in my Adult, Teen, and Parent coaching, not to mention it’s a big topic in some of my speaking engagements as well.

Whenever I tried to bring up something mildly confronting, like leaving dishes in the sink, he’d shut down. Total emotional withdrawal: blank face, no eye contact, sometimes he would leave the room entirely.

I used to take it personally. It appeared that he was being intentionally disrespectful. Or that he hated me. The more I pushed, the more he withdrew. It wasn’t working, and we were both exhausted and growing apart. 

What may seem like apathy is often a sign of overwhelm. What felt like resistance was his nervous system flooding. According to Dr. John Gottman’s research, this is a common pattern known as stonewalling—a stress response that’s more about emotional safety than intentional avoidance.

I attempted something different.

I stopped addressing things in the heat of the moment. I focused on my approach. I started asking, “Do you have a moment to talk?”. I made sure I was calm and level-headed before entering the conversation. I dug deep.

Slowly, things changed. He gradually opened up and stayed in the room when I asked to talk. We were able to have conversations. I felt like we were talking again. 

Here’s what I want you to know:

The loudest voice in the room isn’t the one people listen to the closest. 

If you are dealing with shutdowns in your family, whether it involves your children, partner, or parents, it is not necessary to have an ideal response. It’s about learning how to stay calm and open, even when someone else can’t.

And if you need support doing it, I do it at work every single day. You don’t have to untangle these patterns alone.

Learn more about family coaching by scheduling a complimentary conversation with me.